I am at my best when...

Mar 13

For the past couple months, I've been using a planner/journal system called Monk Manual.

I've never been a the kind of person to use a planner. When I was a teenager, my mother used one religiously and bought me one as well, but it just sat collecting dust. Sorry mom! I always thought I could hold things together in my head just fine.

I've also never been a journaling kind of guy. I tried a few times in the past with a Moleskine, but gave up pretty quickly.

But over the last year, thanks to a global pandemic, I became more and more drawn to determining what was essential in my life (something I touched on in my last post, "Focusing on Outcomes vs. Outputs"), and my health coach, Rick, suggested starting a journal.

I'm glad he did, and I'm glad I discovered the Monk Manual. One of the things I like most about the system is the daily prompts for reflection. One that I particularly enjoy is the prompt, "I was at my best when..."

The simple act of filling out that prompt every day for the last couple months has taught me some things about when I am at my best.

I am at my best when…

I say the right, hard thing

TL;DR: You and others can't grow if you don't say the right, hard thing.

For most of my life I was conflict adverse and frankly a huge people pleaser. As a result, I didn't give people true feedback, or if I did, I sugar-coated it so much that it didn't do them any good. I knew that one of the kindest things you can do is give someone the truth, even if it's hard to swallow in the moment. But, honestly, I was too selfish to do it. I held back because I didn’t want to deal with the pain that comes with saying hard things to people.

I got better at this over the years, but as part of my daily planning habit, I've gone a step further to prioritizing hard conversations as a top priority in a day. I didn't want to do them, but I knew I had to. And I didn't get to check off my top priority for the day if I didn't do it.

I won't say that hard conversations are any easier for me today, but I will say that I've seen some amazing things happen as I've committed to having them—both in myself and in those I've conversations with.

I am present

TL;DR: It's hard to connect if you're not present.

The pandemic has been very challenging when it comes to being present. This is especially true when you're on Zoom meetings all day and distractions like Twitter are just a click away.

I've worked hard to be intentionally present in meetings, even practicing meditative breathing techniques to focus.

Not surprisingly, meetings where I'm truly present are more joyful, have more impact, and leave everyone feeling more energized than drained.

This isn't just a work thing. Being more present with my wife, my kids, my friends...it has amazing results. I've started leaving my phone in the other room or at a distance if I'm having a beer by the fire with some buddies. The whole experience is more joyful and more human.

I am clear on what is essential

TL;DR: If you don't define what is essential, someone else will do it for you.

Part of the planning portion of Monk Manual is to list the top three priorities for the day. These can be anything—work, family, self-care, errands, whatever. But only three, and the first one is the top priority. I treat that priority as essential and the two others as nice to haves. If I get my one top priority done, I've had a productive day.

This simple act of planning what is essential in a given day has had untold benefits. My productivity is very high, and I am more satisfied at the end of a busy day. It has helped me to say no to things that are important but not most important, and to schedule my days in the appropriate way to accomplish the most important things well.

I take the time I need for me

TL;DR: It's hard to give what you don't have

Prior to developing my planning and journaling practice, I often sacrificed time for myself to a multitude of other things. I was over-burdened and over-scheduled. The result was that I was tired and grumpy. I gave my all at work and in service projects, but by the time I got home, I had nothing left in the tank for my family.

COVID was a forcing function to dramatically scale back my life. I filled the gaps the usual ways at first: too much wine and lots of homemade pasta!

But gradually that gave over to some disciplines I'd wanted to develop: cycling, walks, writing more, reading more, prayer and meditation, etc. It's an hour or two a day that I devote to myself.

Crazy thing is now I have way more energy for my family and friends. I'm happier. I'm more fulfilled. And my wife and kids are probably happier with me too.

I am open and curious

TL;DR: It's hard to truly love others if you're not open and curious about them.

My teenage son is really into cars and workouts. That's it. That's all he talks about. Those things for me? Not so much.

For a long time, I just didn't listen. I didn't ask questions. I tried to get past the conversation instead of entering into it. I didn't care.

I know he felt it. I know it hurt. I know he wanted me to listen. And it sucked.

So for a month I made my daily intention: Don't judge. Be open and curious.

I didn't do it perfectly, but the quality of our conversations went up dramatically. And I'm sure he felt more loved.

I love things that love me back

TL;DR: Continually going back to things that don't love you back is abusive.

In his book, "The Greenprint," Marco Borges shares this law: "Love food that loves you back."

He shares that when we keep going back to junk food that harms our bodies, we are living out the equivalent of an abusive relationship. Don't keep giving yourself to food that harms you, he says.

In a quest to really cut back my less than helpful habits, I modified this to "Love things that love you back." I've applied it to social media, consumption, and so much more. Everything goes through the frame, will this love me back?

Framing things this way has been very helpful. It's not that I don't enjoy a good beer or scrolling through Instagram anymore, it's just that I don't allow it to be in control or "abusive" to me.

I accept that I’m not perfect

TL;DR: Trying to be perfect is a perfect way to be continually disappointed.

One danger in setting goals is that they can become the be-all-end-all rather than a means to an end. You can also be so myopic that you don't see the progress you've made over time.

I have a perfectionist bent. Let's blame it on my fundamentalist upbringing. But it's there, always gnawing at me and creating anxiety. So when I don't achieve everything I've set out to do in a day, I can get really frustrated and dejected.

Taking time to reflect on my day, week, and month as helped me to accept that I can't be perfect and to also see what great progress I've made over time.

I believe I am truly loved

TL;DR: You are loved just the way you are.

It can be viewed as a trite statement, or you can really internalize it. You are loved just the way you are. By God. By your friends. By your family. By your partner. Whatever you believe in, someone, somewhere loves you just the way you are. You need to accept that and you also need to love yourself.

I've spent my whole life struggling to accept this, and with horrible consequences to my mental health and my decision making.

When I operate out of a place where I truly believe I am loved, I act like a whole person. I make better decisions and I love others better.

I don’t take on other people’s offenses

TL;DR: You don't owe anyone your emotional state.

Part of the reason why I’m a people pleaser is because I’m highly empathic. This often prevents me from drawing healthy boundaries.

In my daily reflections, I've noticed that when I'm present and intentional, I can find the dividing line between how I feel about something vs. how someone else feels about something much easier. I can say to myself, that's their offense, not mine.

As a result, I'm happier, say less things I regret, and can also say the right, hard thing with more ease.

Otherwise I'm renting out my emotional space, and for what?

I am creating

TL;DR: Creation leads to creation.

For years I said, I want to write a book. I'd worked on over twenty books with other people as an editor and co-writer, but I'd never worked on my own book.

I also wanted to write poetry. I did so in spurts here and there, but never anything consistent.

As I became more focused on what's essential to me, I started writing every day. I've since finished the second draft of my novel and am half-way through a poetry manuscript.

The real benefit of this work is that I know I can accomplish big things if I just show up and do the work...and I love doing it. It makes me fulfilled and happy.

I am praying and meditating

TL;DR: You need silence to be clear in a noisy world.

Every day, mostly without fail, the first thing I do when I get up is pray/meditate for twenty minutes. I didn't start of this way. At first it was a couple minutes, then five, then ten, and so forth. Over the last few years, I've built a meditation practice that comes naturally, and I can't imagine getting through life without it.

My meditation practice is based in both traditional mindfulness activities (I use Headspace for that) and a form of prayer called Lectio Divina, which is meditative prayer practice focused on immersion into a scripture reading (I use an app called Hallow for that).

Prior to developing this discipline, I never realized how chaotic my mind was, and how little I lived in the present. Taking a few minutes each morning to sit in silence and simply be present to myself and to God has transformed my life and is the bedrock of all the other things I've shared in this post.

I have a routine

TL;DR: The secret to growth is consistency

A major factor for me to being happier, healthier, and more productive has been developing a routine and sticking to it. I largely follow the same rhythms day in and day out. I've talked about most of them already. I get 7 hours of sleep, get up and meditate, do some exercise, journal and have coffee, get into my priorities for the day, dinner and family in the evenings, writing, bed and reading.

That's it, and that's the routine I follow five to six days a week. There's always outliers, of course, but like James Clear writes in "Atomic Habits", if you have an off day, make sure not to do it two days in a row.

When I was younger, I would have thought this would be the most boring way in the world to live. But now that I've defined my priorities and the things I want to get done in my life, and said no to a lot of other things, I find that following the same routine each day helps me to achieve more than I ever did before.

What helps you be at your best?

The key to being at your best is not to copy what I do, though I hope some of these things are helpful for you and that you might even try incorporating them into your life to see if they do work for you.

No, the key is to simply be aware that there are things and practices that do help you be at your best, be present enough and thoughtful enough to identify those, and incorporate them into your life as much as possible.

I'd love to hear what they are for you. Feel free to ping me on Twitter with your version of the list above. I'd love to hear it.

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Jake Johnson